mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
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