I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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