she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
