Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
