can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize