At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
