Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
