you're like a bully in the Christmas story
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
