my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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