I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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