How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I will pee on everything he values.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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