I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
