just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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