I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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