dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
