i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize