I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
