i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize