Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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