I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
