actually, I'm a sock model
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
