you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
