you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
