my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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