wakey wakey hands off snakey
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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