Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
