FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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