Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize