Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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