all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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