I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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