There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
