The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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