I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
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