I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
