I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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