Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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