I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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