hotel room ftw
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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