Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
