Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
We just shotgunned beers for America
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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