I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize