Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
