My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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