does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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