Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
