i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
