it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
