oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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