It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
