Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
