If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
