apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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