I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
